Shock Top Raspberry Wheat

Today’s Mistake: Shock Top Raspberry Wheat. “The Beer You’reĀ EmbarrassedĀ To Drink in Public!”

2013-12-14 18.21.24

2013-12-14 18.21.24
5.2% alcohol by volume

12 ounce bottle

Price: $1.39

ABQ: 44.89

I’m not entirely convinced that Shock Top isn’t some elaborate prank, a total joke that Anheuser Busch is pulling off on the rest of us. I mean, look at that orange. He’s got a mohawk and “edgy shades,” and that smug little grin. In fact, he looks less like a “cool orange” and more like Brian Bosworth. I think the two may have been separated at birth. Look at this shit:brian-bosworth

Throw a smirk on ol’ Bosworth up there and you’ve got the Shock Top orange. Anyway, if you’re not familiar, Shock Top is made by “Shock Top Brewery,” which sounds quaint and craft and boutique until you read the next line: ST. LOUIS, MO. So, much like Blue Moon and MillerCoors, Shock Top is AB’s vanity faux-Belgian offshoot. And my god is everything they make an affront to good taste and decency. I reviewed many of the Shit Tops for the old Daily Blackout, and as I recall, none of them scored very well. I remember the Raspberry Wheat in particular because it only came in a sixer at the store, and I forced myself to drink all six in two hours. And then I died of diabetes.


There’s a ton of sediment in the bottle, so I poured it into a glass and rubbed the bottle in my hands like you’re supposed to with a good wheat beer. The beer is incredibly, alarmingly hazy at first, but it settles down and just looks like regular Budweiser after a few minutes.


If you’re a fan of the milk left in the cereal bowl after you finish your Trix, you’ll be right at home with Shock Top Raspberry Wheat. The sweetness is so blinding and offensive that you hardly notice any alcohol. That’s kind of a selling point for some folks.


Nothing surprising here, it’s a beer after all, although I did get some grittiness after the first few sips. That could be from sediment, it could be from the sixteen cups of sugar in the beer, or it could be meth mouth.


I shouldn’t dwell on that orange much longer, because it’s a stupid orange, but c’mon fellas. Try a little harder. Imagine the type of person that looks at that smarmy bastard and says, “Yeah, that’s my guy.”


Thank the heavens above I only had to buy one. I love bottle shops that sell single bottles. Congrats Shock Top, you got a point!

Final Verdict

This shit is the pits. Avoid at all costs. 1 out of a possible 5.