Today’s Mistake: Heineken, or as I like to call it, “Dutch Suck.”


5% alcohol by volume

24 ounce can

Price: $3.29

ABQ: 36.47

I’d say Heineken is the most consistently disappointing beer there is. Stella Artois gives it a run, but honestly, is there anything worse than Heineken? It prances and preens about, stroking itself and beaming arrogantly because it’s “European” and therefore worth fawning over. WELL, GUESS WHAT? Budweiser is European too, and frankly, I’d rather have a large glass of Bud. At least they don’t pull the Euro card constantly. Of course, Budweiser is guilty of deceiving tens of thousands of hardworking Americans, Americans convinced they’re drinking the most American of all American beers, a beer so thoroughly American it shits stars and stripes and pisses innovation and freedom. Heineken is marketed as an “alternative” to those brash, unsophisticated American adjuncts, but it’s no better. In fact, I think it tastes a good deal worse than even the blandest of light lagers. And where do they get off producing six-minute commercials? Isn’t that pushing the boundaries of good taste? I don’t care if your commercial has hot blonde Danish girls, ninjas, and wacky backdrops. It’s still a commercial, and it’s still preventing me from watching Pawn Stars.


It’s an awfully yellow beer. Honestly, looks identical to a Keystone Light. I cannot think of a condemnation worse than being compared to Keystone Light, so at least we got the negativity out of the way.


Heineken’s signature “old newspaper” finish is paired nicely with a skunky, bitter first sip that tastes downright nasty. Your body won’t outright reject this swill, but it won’t send you a Christmas card this year either.


Nice and fizzy, which is tolerable, but my can is so damn cold that it almost hurts. Absolute zero levels of cold are required for this beer.


It’s Heineken. It’s looked the same for as long as I can remember. BUT! This can is pretty great. I actually quite like the size and the design is iconic. It’s also got raised bumps along the green areas of the can. Texture is everything my friends.


I surely paid a premium for the “big-ass can” serving size, but $3.29 is an awful lot for 24 ounces of Heineken. I could get a forty ounce for less than that.

Final Verdict

In case it wasn’t obvious, I hate the shit out of Heineken. 2 out of a possible 5.