Naturdays

Today’s Mistake: Naturdays. What hell hath man wrought?

4.2% alcohol by volume

12 ounce can

Price: $18.95 (for 30 cans)

ABQ: 5.3

I think Starship Troopers is a criminally underrated movie.

Is it stupid? My friends, it is incredibly stupid. It contains perhaps 129 of the most mind-numbing, gratuitous, obscene minutes ever committed to film. It’s as if the entire production crew was high on bath salts for the duration

And yet? It’s incredible.

If you’ve never seen it, and god have mercy on your soul if that’s the case, Starship Troopers is a 1997 adaption of Robert A. Heinlen’s 1959 sci-fi novel of the same name. It takes place on a fascist, militaristic Earth sometime in the 23rd century. An omnipotent and Orwellian government known as “The Federation” seems to rule over the planet, and one can only become a “citizen” by serving the armed forces.

The biggest threat to humanity? Gigantic arachnids from the planet Klendathu, affectionally and creatively referred to as “bugs.” Our heroes are a few comically good-looking teenagers from Buenos Aires (for some reason), all of whom end up in one of the different branches of The Federation military:

  • Casper Van Dien as Johnny Rico
    • Johnny is the most comically good looking of the bunch, and he’s about as bright as a dish sponge
    • Johnny ends up in the Mobile Infantry, which is the “boots on the ground” cannon fodder wing of the military
    • Jesus look at his fucking chin
  • Denise Richards as Carmen Ibanez
  • Dina Meyers as Isabelle “Dizzy” Flores
    • Dizzy loves Johnny, but he doesn’t love her back; again, he’s a fucking idiot
    • She’s hardcore as shit as also really good at fieldball
      • Please, if you do nothing else, watch that fieldball scene; it is the dumbest thing you’re ever likely to see
    • Did I mention Johnny is a dumb idiot?
  • Neil Patrick Harris as Carl Jenkins
    • Carl is highly intelligent and also psychic
    • He has a ferret
    • I can’t think of a third thing

Also Jake Busey is in this. So, yeah.

Now, I was only seven years old when I saw this movie in theaters, which is problematic for a few reasons, but I’m pretty sure I was the target demographic. In addition to be senselessly violent and gory, there’s a good amount of nudity and sex, too. In one memorable scene, all of the Mobile Infantry recruits, both male and female, take a shower together. For a seven year old, this was truly the peak of cinema.

What I didn’t pick up on as a youngster is how incredibly funny this movie is. It’s a gigantic send-up of military and national tropes disguised as a cheesy blockbuster. I’m obviously not the first person to realize this, but I think it speaks volumes that it’s just as entertaining now as it was then. I find it especially prescient in 2019, as we edge closer to global disaster, war, famine, and disease. I bet President Trump loves this movie.

Anyway, I’m only really writing about it as an excuse to talk about one of my all-time favorite movie characters: William “Bill” Rico, played by Christopher Curry.

Curry doesn’t get a ton of screen time, but he makes the most of it by taking every single square inch of scenery and chewing it down into a fine dust. The undisputed best scene in the movie is when Johnny comes home and tells his parents (who, again, are “Argentinean”) that he’s going to join the mobile infantry. I know I said the fieldball scene was great, but this is so much better:

Check out that space decanter!

What you may not know is that, moments earlier, we found out Johnny had received a 35% on his math final, which is probably not going to cut it at Harvard, unless they’ve changed dramatically by the 23rd century.

Also not to be missed: the creepy smile when he says “Zegema Beach”

Shudder.

With that out of the way, here’s some alcohol that isn’t very good.

Naturdays is a new release from Anheuser-Busch’s “Natural” product line, and oh my god what the fuck. It’s ostensibly a shandy, but rather than using just lemonade, as you might expect, they KICK IT UP A NOTCH and blast some strawberry in there too. It’s marketed as something you can drink all day, and just in time for summer, too.

You can expect to start seeing this at baseball tailgates and summer cookouts, etc, and if nothing else, it’s certainly weak enough for daytime consumption. I’m not opposed to fruity beers, and in fact I generally like a lot of them, but there’s just no way in hell that this is any good. Let’s find out!

Color

You morons can’t do anything right! It looks like normally Natty Light/Ice, amber adjunct blandness.

Taste

Well, this is just about the shittiest thing I’ve ever ingested. At no point during the drinking experience do you taste anything except strawberry corn syrup. I suppose there’s some tartness but who really cares. I cannot believe this made it to market.

Mouthfeel

It’s carbonated, lest you forget there’s some shitty adjunct beer mixed with your HFCS.

Packaging

The short-sleeve button down crew is going to eat this shit up. Personally, I don’t think it’s awful, but, as you can tell by the way this website looks, I know absolutely nothing of design aesthetics. Fucking flamingoes! Flamingoes are stupid and everyone knows it.

Price

Yeah it’s cheap, whatever. What am I going to do with the other 29 of these?

Final Verdict

Foul doesn’t begin to describe this. This is an abomination, an affront to God, proof positive that man cannot create, only destroy. 1 out of a possible 5.

Weird YouTube Channel of the Week – Marat Nugaev (82,951 subscribers)

This is a channel dedicated to watching a cat named Perseus eat. I shit you not.

I’m not sure what deep YouTube k-hole I was in when I first met Perseus, but I’m so glad I did. In addition to being a gorgeous cat, he makes some of the greatest purring/eating noises you’re ever likely to hear. I suppose this is ASMR, in some way, which, y’know, fuck ASMR, but I still think it’s pretty good. At least it’s not some blonde chick scratching a microphone with her nails.