Imperial Cerveza

Today’s Mistake: Imperial Cerveza. ¡Qué lástima!

costa rica

4.6% alcohol by volume

12 ounce bottle

Price: $2.19

ABQ: 24.65

I used to be fluent in Spanish. I was really, really good at speaking, writing, and understanding the language. It was My Thing throughout high school and college, the one course I was consistently good at and could always count on. Unlike math and science and pretty much everything else, language just made sense to me. So, imagine my dismay nearly every weekend when I drink too many Nugget Nectars and start talking to everybody in Spanish. Generally, others react positively at first, thinking it amusing, even slightly charming. But eventually I don’t stop, and I’m asked politely but firmly to leave the premises at once. I am not exaggerating. It happens all the time. Drinking beer brewed in a Spanish speaking country, like Costa Rica, always reminds me that I’m now a frail, drunken eggshell of my former bilingual self. However, I’m also comforted by the fact that nearly every Spanish speaking country is hilariously bad at beer. Costa Rica is no exception. I’ve had this beer three or four times, and each time I’m impressed anew by the mediocrity. This beer is immaculately shitty. It’s the Sistine Chapel of shittiness.

Color

It’s not even yellow. It’s like a mixture of pale grain water and urine. I don’t know what grain water is, but it sounds like a thing.

Taste

I’m getting a lot of “grass.” Honestly, it tastes like iced tea that’s brewed with lawn trimmings and fortified with Zima.

Mouthfeel

Standard adjunct soda feel.

Packaging

The bottle is rather lame, to be honest. I do like the crest, so there’s something!

Price

I would not pay for this. Again, I mean. Domestic quality at import prices. And Costa Rica isn’t that far.

Final Verdict

Pretty darn crumby, as I mentioned earlier. 1 out of a possible 5.