Seagram’s Escapes Wild Berries

Today’s Mistake: Seagram’s Escapes Wild Berries. This barely qualifies as alcohol.

3.2% alcohol by volume

11.2 ounce bottle

Price: $1.99

ABQ: 18.01

I’m not going to bullshit you: this Seagram’s Escapes is at least a year old. Back in the day, I purchased nearly every flavor of Escapes during a particularly boozy trip to a liquor store in Boston. As far as I can tell, this Wild Berries character right here is a relic of that age. I found it last night in a box full of books from my college apartment and chucked it in the freezer for an hour. The good news is that these Seagram’s Escapes are probably inorganic anyway and have a shelf-life longer than most elemental half-lives. I remember one of the last Escapes I reviewed on the old Daily Blackout was called “Jamaican Me Happy,” and I nearly threw myself through a window in anger and disgust. I’m thrilled that this one lacks the cute name and just goes straight for description. I like to think it’s the working man’s Seagram’s Escape. And there’s another issue: is one bottle of Seagram’s Escapes just an “Escape?” I’m going with that assumption.

Color

It’s red! Red means berry-flavored, don’t you know?

Taste

It tastes perfectly fine. Fine as in, not spoiled. Otherwise, it tastes like slightly alcoholic Hawaiian Punch, which is not something I’m looking for these days. It’s inoffensive but ultimately not worth jack shit.

Mouthfeel

Like watery Grenadine syrup.

Packaging

Funny how companies like Seagram and Corona love pushing the “secluded beach” on us. I don’t think about exotic island getaways when I see a secluded beach. I think about that scene from Cast Away where Hanks knocks his tooth out with an ice skate.

Price

Way too expensive. That ABQ might be the worst I’ve ever seen.

Final Verdict

Thank GOD I couldn’t find that scene from Cast Away on YouTube. Drinking this crap was traumatic enough for my teeth. 1 out of a possible 5.