Miller Lite

Today’s Mistake: Miller Lite. MAN UP, ONLY REAL MEN DRINK 2.5% ABV PISSWATER.

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4.2% alcohol by volume

12 ounce bottle

Price: $1.59

ABQ: 31.69

FADE IN

INT. BUFFALO WILD WINGS – NIGHT

Three attractive male friends in their thirties sit at a booth, eating chicken wings and watching “the game.” They are of diverse ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds. Indistinct chatter takes place for a few seconds before JERRY’S cell phone rings. JERRY acts nonchalant while his friends STEVE and JACKSON cringe in horror: JERRY’S ringtone is Madonna’s hit song “Like A Virgin.”

STEVE
Jerry, bro, are you serious with that ringtone?
JACKSON
Yeah, bro, that’s like, a serious violation.
JERRY
Oh so what guys? I like the song!

JERRY picks up phone. After listening for a few seconds, JERRY sheepishly responds. It’s his girlfriend on the other line.

JERRY
Yes, pumpkin, I don’t mind making dinner tonight.
JACKSON & STEVE
OHHHHHHH! Totally whipped!

BUXOM WAITRESS appears and asks for their next round of beers.

BUXOM WAITRESS (seductively)
What’ll be boys?
JACKSON & STEVE
Is that even a question bro? Miller LITE!
JERRY
I’ll have a light beer.
BUXOM WAITRESS
Do you care how it tastes?
JERRY
Nah, don’t care

BUXOM WAITRESS returns with two Miller Lites and a nondescript blue bottle

BUXOM WAITRESS
Two Miller Lites! And for the guy who sings “Like a Virgin,” now you can drink like one! When you’re ready to man up, I’ll bring you a Miller Lite.
STEVE & JACKSON (bro yawps)
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
GRUFF NARRATOR
Man Up! ‘Cause if you’re drinking a light beer without real pilsner taste, you’re a total pussy who does nice things for his significant other and probably works for the ACLU. Grab a triple-hopped Miller Lite, and taste greatness!

Color

Wow! It’s a good thing this triple-hopped Miller Lite has real pilsner taste, because I’ll be damned if it doesn’t look exactly like every single other shitty adjunct American lager I’ve ever had. Yellow, just like the cowards that need to MAN UP and stop drinking other light beers.

Taste

Wow! This real pilsner taste is so authentic! I didn’t know real pilsner tasted like soda mixed with the contents of an overfilled ashtray. No wonder I needed to MAN UP…

Mouthfeel

If my mouth had a purse, it would clutch it whenever a few Miller Lites passed by on the street at night. I guess my pansy ass mouth had better MAN UP.

Packaging

Now hold on a second fellas! This bottle is equipped with a “Vortex Bottle!” That’s right: I can MAN UP 25% faster than that OTHER LIGHT BEER. The one that European soccer SISSIES drink. I like my beer bottles to look like the inside of a Fleshlight!

Price

It’s damn cheap, even if purchased as a single bottle.

Final Verdict

I like to joke around a lot here on TDB. But seriously, this beer is a disaster, and it always will be. Thankfully, they seemed to have abandoned those atrocious MAN UP commercials. This is still a dogshit beer, I sincerely hope you never have to drink it. 1 out of a possible 5.