Colt 45

Today’s Mistake: Colt 45. Works every time!

colt 45

5.6% alcohol by volume

40 ounce bottle

Price: $3.29

ABQ: 68.08

I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to review a forty ounce, but here we are. I’ve always thought of Colt 45 as the malt liquor equivalent of Danny Woodhead: unremarkable, but consistently good at one or two things. You don’t go out and celebrate if your team signs Woodhead, and you sure as hell don’t celebrate after buying a Colt 45. And just like that, I’ve become Bill Simmons. One thing that always bothered me about it: the slogan, at least in the Billy Dee Williams days, was “Works Every Time.” Isn’t there something menacing about that? What does it accomplish every time? I’ve always seen it as “gets your significant other thoroughly smashed every time.” And I’m not bashing Lando here. Those commercials are great. It’s just weird. I suppose since Colt 45 is more or less irrelevant now that they’ve abandoned the “Works Every Time” slogan and opted instead to let the brand sell itself. And since rappers no longer rap about malt liquor, they’re essentially resting on their laurels. Before you go out and buy a Colt 45, you might want to take this smoothness test. Just in case.

Color

Unless you’re buying a Mickeys or something, you can always tell what you’re getting into with a forty. The gigantic clear bottle can hide nothing. As for Colt 45, it looks like everything else made by Pabst.

Taste

Its ABV is on the low side for a malt liquor, and as such, it tastes more or less like really sweet PBR. Malt liquor will always have a piercing, lingering sweetness, and Colt 45 is no exception.

Mouthfeel

Thinner than I’d remembered.

Packaging

You cannot beat the Colt 45 package. I mean, it shares a name with one of the most iconic handguns in existence. That alone is worth it. Colt has also had the same label design since the 70s, and you’ve got to respect the tradition.

Price

They should really replace the Big Mac Index with the Malt Liquor Index. I think that’d be a hell of a lot more fun. For three and some change, you’re getting a ton of beer, so the value is there.

Final Verdict

A scrappy, gym rat of a malt liquor. Don’t you love how all white NFL players are “gym rats?” 3 out of a possible 5.